Unreal

I'm not gonna lie. I have been dreading writing this blog. Even now I am staring at the screen wondering what I could possibly write about this last week. I guess I'll just start with the facts.

On Thursday August 6th, around 11:30 PM, one of the best men I have had the privilege of knowing in my life passed away. Dan Baxter had gone in the ER that Sunday and they found out he had an aneurysm and an enlarged aorta. This news was reported to us and Monday night Chad and I headed down to the hospital and saw him. He was the same ol Dan just in a hospital bed, not able to really do anything. This fact alone was hard enough on me. I cried as we were leaving the hospital - I have never experienced anyone close to me, or even not close to me, dying or even in the hospital with anything serious. It was just unreal.

Tuesday we headed back down and took some cookies and things and hung out for a little longer. Dan looked a little more tired, but probably just because he had his glasses on. There were a lot of people in there visiting him. We all sat around, breaking all sorts of rules with out food brought in from everywhere and having about 7 people in the room when you are suppose to only have 2 at a time...whoops :) We were even told to 'keep it down' once. That's when we decided to head out haha. The next few days are still a blur....

They sent him home Wednesday and one doctor had said he needed to schedule surgery asap, one doctor said just sometime within the next 5 years...so we were all telling him to go to UAB for a second opinion and, sorry other hospital, but better care. SO they sent him home, and ended up going to UAB Thursday. Honestly all the details are blurry but what ended up happening was that somehow he went septic, and started going downhill quick. Late Thursday night Mom called me saying they were headed over because he wasn't doing well. I hung up the phone and layed in bed, then asked Chad if we should go. I just felt like we should. We got back out of bed, got dressed, and headed to UAB. As we were walking in my heart started pounding more and more. At one point I had to stop because it was like the possibilities hit me all at once. We turned the corner and my Dad was standing there. He gave us the news. Tears in his eyes he looked at me and told me "he didn't make it". I have never had that type of cry before. It was an emotional experience that I don't want to ever have to relive, but know that is far from reality. The Chaplin nurse came over and asked if I was his daughter - I must have seemed like I was. And in a way, I will always consider him my second dad. That's exactly what he was to me. From the first time I met him I had always had a great respect for him, and he was always the one asking me questions, challenging my faith, and making me think about my life. He was an exceptional man.

I didn't sleep that night, I don't think a lot of people did. The next day was my Friday to work and I went in for about 3 hours and then had to go home. I went in waves of emotions. Over the next several days all of a sudden it would hit me what all this actually meant, and I would burst into tears for a few minutes, and then it would all go away because none of it seemed real. I went back and forth and back and forth with that. Saturday my anger from the entire situation decided to explode out onto Chad after getting completely lost and driving an hour the wrong direction. Everything just poured out but I think that needed to happen. (haha sorry though Chad!) After that I wasn't so much back and forth with the crying, although I did cry several times in the next several days. Church Sunday was tough. We talked about Dan, and sang some songs that were picked out weeks in advance but went perfectly along with the situation. If you know it, we sang 'I Can Only Imagine' which talks all about how it will be in heaven. That is when I balled during church. However, I wasn't crying because I was sad for Dan. I know he is in Heaven, rejoicing, holding his baby Brooke, and singing at the top of his lungs. I know that. I was crying a selfish cry because it is going to be tough for us down here. For his family. For my family. But at the same time, I know he is happy, and I know I will be able to see him again one day.

Tuesday was Dan's funeral. Again, I've never been to one so I had no idea what to expect. My dad was one of the speakers and I know it was incredibly hard on him. Dan is his best friend. They were hilarious together and knew everything about each other. And Dad gave an incredible speech that pointed out every aspect of how great of a man Dan was. He even mentioned how he helped 'interview' Chad as we were dating :) great memories. There were so many people there. So many. Seeing everyone impacted me so much because it made me want to touch that many people in my life like he did. Everyone filled up the entire auditorium and there were people standing in the back because there weren't enough chairs. How awesome. Dan, you lived your life wonderfully.

Afterwards we all went to the grave site and I just have to mention one of the things that happened. It was pouring rain and everyone was under a tent. My Dad started praying and right in the middle of it, right as he said how much we will miss Dan - a HUGE crash of thunder exploded right above us. I just know, no doubt in my mind, that was God. NO doubt.

The days after the funeral have been tough. Everyone else is going about their business, normal activities, etc. It will never be completely 'normal' again for us though. When driving home from work, or going to sleep at night, I think of Dan and really how much he meant to me. And still means. I will never, ever forget him and will love him till the day I see him again in Heaven. And I will do my best to be the kind of person he was. One that shares his faith, shines his spirit, and shows his love for God wherever he goes. Thank you Dan for the impact you had on my life. Thank you so much.